Looking Back with Joy

Hello to my poor forgotten blog. Truth be told, I only missed you a little. Blogging seems like such an odd concept to me at times, basically an online journal. It can be dangerous when anyone has access to a public mental outlet. There are some weirds in the world. But hopefully there are enough great blogs out there adding to the good of the world instead of taking away from it.

Being an extreme external, verbal processor myself, you’d think a blog would be ideal for me! If I could just remember to blog, maybe it would be :) I suppose I sometimes worry about sharing too much, as is often the case with me. If too much sharing easily overwhelms you, I apologize, because tonight I’m feeling wordy.

I’ve been dwelling a lot lately on all the changes in the past year. All the things God has brought me through, taken me out of, healed in me, and worked on getting out of me. What a crazy journey this year has been. I moved last summer from living in Lynchburg, VA, attending Liberty University to Blacksburg, VA, to finish up school through LU online.

Transition: Residential Student to Online Student.

Ouch. This one was harder than I was expecting. Result: I learned to study harder and my GPA dropped quite a bit. Most of my life I’ve gotten away with soaking up class discussion and my professors’ lectures while only half paying attention. That was how I studied. And I got good grades. Yep, I was one of those people. No longer. With these online classes, it’s all on me now. What a blessing in disguise. I put in twice the effort to actually learn something nowadays. This transition has seriously changed my time management and self-discipline habits. It’s not a very pretty ride.

Transition: Living on my own, to living in my parent’s basement.

So great. Mostly. Who’da thunk? I love living with my parents. I save a ton of money and still get my own space. I couldn’t ask for better parents. It’s been great being so close. That doesn’t mean I’m not ready to be on my own again :) Just not as far away this time.

Transition: Living without church community to being part of a church family.

The best transition of the year. I spent the two years prior (my Texas year, and my Lynchburg year) in an awkward state of severely lonely. Surrounded by people but not connected to any of them. Attending a church on Sundays but not getting to know anyone. That is just SO NOT the way God intended church to work. I’ve been learning that. I absolutely love my church family. I love that they know what is happening in my life. I love that they can share their lives with me, too. I love that we can help each other out when there’s a need. I love that we can be crazytown and fun and still discuss deep theology. There are so many good things about being plugged in to a church family. People to do life with. God knew we all would need that.

Transition: Part-time minimum wage office job to part time server at the Olive Garden

Geez. Totally opposite work worlds. Sitting at a computer for hours at a time vs. walking around with heavy trays of heavy Italian food for hours at a time. Dealing with people through email vs. dealing with hungry people. People are cranky when they’re hungry. Just sayin. If you want a crash course on how to deal nicely with people you don’t like, become a server.

There are so many more things I could go on about.

The way God has healed so many past hurts with His love. Even (and especially) hurts I thought were long gone. Filling up those wounded places with Himself and teaching me how to serve people (not just their food), whether I know them or not. Whether I like them or not.

Or the way God is showing me how to be free from the intense pressures of legalism I was immensely and deeply trapped in. Some awesome old theologian once said being a Christian is like trying to keep a drunk on a horse—you fall of on one side into legalism; you fall of on the other side into pride. Generally I can balance in the middle for about two seconds before falling on one side or the other. But I’m learning to accept God’s beautiful grace given to me through Jesus Christ. If any of you knew me a year ago, you’ll understand how huge that is for me.

So many wonderful things come to mind when I think about the changes this past year has brought. The most recent surrounds my future plans. I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to graduate in December 2012, raise support and move to Germany to be a Resident Advisor for a high school girl’s dorm at Black Forest Academy—an American boarding school for missionary kids. But when are my plans ever God’s plans? Haha! God is teaching me to slow down. To spend more time in one place than the very short amount of time I’m accustomed to. He’s teaching me to soak up the concept of HOME. For the first time in a very, very long time, I feel like this wonderful, crazy place really is my home. So, current major lesson #1 for me: slow down.

Current major lesson #2: Don’t try to manipulate circumstances. Geez. I’m so bad about this. I start comparing myself to others. I decide I want what they have—what God has decided is not the right time for me to have—and I do what I can to try to get it. I’m such a child, haha. I had a wonderful revelation at church a few weeks ago: My circumstances are not keeping me from having things I think I want. Let me explain. God is sovereign over my circumstances. I have seen that time and time and time again. So many things have happened that I know can only be explained by the fact that it was God orchestrating circumstances. That being said, wouldn’t it also be true that certain things, which have not happened in my life, are also a result of God orchestrating circumstances? I think yes. Therefore, I have been attempting to trust God in the fact that, when the time is right, HE will be the one to “manipulate” my circumstances according to His plan. Because, after all, He is the one who gives me what is best. The best for me and the best for His wonderful glory. I can’t ask for more than that, although my wicked flesh often does. I am reminded of the beautiful, cherished words of Elisabeth Eliot (what an awesome lady):

“God never witholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful -- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better.” 

God is showing me the truth of this at the deepest heart level. And I am so thankful for his patience with me. In everything.

A Prayer.

I should be sleeping. But like any easily distracted 21 year old girl, I am scouring facebook. So useless. But tonight, God gave me a gift through it. I encountered an old prayer. I wrote this a long time ago, and its truth is still as powerful as the day God gave it to me. And I just thought....maybe there's someone out there who needs te be encouraged by it.

"I'm not really a note writer. But God gave me this prayer. And he put it on my heart to share it. They are just words, but put together they are powerful. I believe this to be the highest truth there is. I want to share it with you, because I love you. I pray that for all of you, it will be encouraging. I pray that it would cause you to give praise to the only One who deserves it. That it would give you a desire to enter into God's presence, just to be with Him. To give Him glory, and let Him love on you. Because He wants you to let Him pour His love all over you. Into your soul and coming out through your pores. Take it for what it is: just a small glimpse into my heart, and hopefully, a huge picture of how enormous and great our God is...and echo this prayer in your heart with me. 

Lord, You are good. Even in the things I don’t understand and don’t know. You are good. You are sovereign over all things. You have the power and the control. You are righteous and You are just. It would be just for you to condemn the whole population of the earth. That is what we, as people deserve, according to Your righteousness and holiness. There was absolutely no reason for You to send your son to save us—nothing in us that was worth saving. 

Except that we are Your creation. We are made in Your wonderful image, God. We are your poetry, your craftsmanship, your art. The only reason You saved us is because of Your love, and now, because of that love, we are restored to what you originally made us to be! You didn’t have to do that, Lord! You could’ve wiped us out and started over. 

But you are a loving God. 

You are a merciful God. 

We are insignificant—worse than insignificant compared to You, yet for some reason, we are significant to You. You are so aware of each one of your creations. Down to the detail—the very hidden, intimate things of the heart. 

The fears, the insecurities, the worries. 

The hateful thoughts, our deepest desires. 

You know them all backwards and forwards, inside and out. 

We are wicked. We are sinful. 

We take credit where there is none; we want bad things for others and good things for ourselves. 

Our very nature goes against everything You are, God. You created this world, and you created it in a certain way. With a certain order, a system for the way everything works. 

We have messed up the order, messed up the system, disgraced what you have made beautiful, trampled on what you made precious, laughed at the sacred. There is nothing good in us. We were born sinful. 

It is a condition of the heart, not merely actions and behaviors of the will, but those actions and behaviors of our will come out of the sinfulness of our hearts. 

But You, O Lord, in your strength, your beauty, your sovereignty, your huge, incredible love, sent your son. 

Jesus, you took each sinful thought, word and action upon yourself. You chose to be punished for the wickedness of our hearts. You took our guilt, and took our punishment and gave us your righteousness.

The Holy Son of the Most High God. 

Jesus, you are everything good, everything lovely. You conquered our sinful natures and in your power, rose from the death that was the punishment for my sin. You conquered it, so I no longer have to endure its consequences. 

Who would willingly do that? The God of love. 

God we are a selfish, blind, stubborn and wicked people! After all that, after you suffered the most gruesome death in history on our behalf, we still spit in your face. In our arrogance, we still don’t accept you as Lord. How tragic. 

Lord, awaken our hearts to Your truth! Open our eyes to your love and glory! Let us see ourselves through Your eyes; let us see our wickedness in contrast to your holiness. God you are gracious to a wicked people. You show mercy to those who only see themselves. You are so good. 

Lord, be the Lord of my every day. Be the Lord over my choices, my actions, my thoughts, and my words. Make this truth known! Rip the blinders off the eyes of those who refuse to see you! In Your mercy, God, convict them of sin and reveal your truth to them, that they will be changed and give the glory to You alone. Not to us, Lord, but to Your name be all the glory forever and ever and ever. 

Do with my life whatever You say is best. Whatever You have for me to do. I want to do it. Reveal it to me, Lord, that I might serve you better and give glory to Your name."